Five steps forward, 4.6 steps back

This post could also be titled “Why I hate my uterus.”pcos51

I was so excited to have lost five pounds in one week that I totally forgot to pay attention to the calendar.  I set myself up for a really big fail.  I paid ZERO attention to the fact that my period would be this week thereby making weight loss a joke.

The only thing I’m thankful for this week is that I didn’t gain the customary 7 pounds I usually did before joining Weight Watchers.

I am so blue and down because of hormone issues attached to my lovely PCOS and my period to begin with.  I almost blew off my meeting today because I knew the weigh-in would bring me even further down.  But I mustered and I went.

This is where that bracelet the boys help me with comes in handy again.  Before the bracelet I would talk myself out of going and facing the facts.  I would begin to feel like a child being punished for something they didn’t do and just say “Screw it!”  No meeting means I can pretend to be an ostrich and bury my head in the sand.  Now, however, this jangling piece of pain in the butt reminds me that I have more than myself that’s feeling let down.  I went to my meeting.  I faced the music.  I came home in tears.

“Why are you crying, Mom?” Jimmy said when he saw me.

“Because all that weight I lost last week is back.  I gained nearly every ounce back.”

“I don’t understand.  Why?  You were good all week.  You followed your points.  You even passed on having ice cream this week!”

“I know.  That’s why I’m crying.  I feel so damn helpless.”

And I do.  On top of all the issues PCOS creates for my body it gives me the gift of feeling helpless once a month.  It will erase huge portions of my work in one fell swoop, leaving me feeling like a failure.  I feel so ashamed standing on that scale and hearing what I’ve gained that one week a month.

It didn’t help that this week at Drug Mart a little old lady approached me.  I don’t know her, and frankly, I never want to see her again.

“You know, you should really try to lose that weight,” she said to me.

I didn’t say anything.

“It’s unhealthy,” she continued.

Again, I said nothing.

“Are you hearing me?” she asked.

It may have been rude, but I just stared at her.  She walked away, shaking her head and muttering.

It makes me want to shout to the world:  Do you think people really choose to weigh this much?  Do you think I WANT to look like this?

It makes me want to stuff my face with cake.  But I won’t.

So, here I sit, trying hard to rally.  I won’t give up on this journey.  I knew in the beginning it would be harder than usual for me, but I’ve resolved not to give up, not to let PCOS win.  Not to let nosy old ladies have the last word.

It’s just easier to type that than to actually feel it.


About Miranda Gargasz

Miranda Gargasz is a freelance writer. Many of her essays can be found on sites like ScaryMommy, The Christian Science Monitor and The Huffington Post. In 2014, she published Lemonade and Holy Stuff and in 2016 she published Plus Size Mama: An overweight mom gets real about weight loss. She is also a contributor to Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee, and Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever. Her debut novel, Haunting Suspicion, is being sent to agents for representation. She is currently working on her second novel, Dragonfly, about learning to love what you have before it's gone.
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8 Responses to Five steps forward, 4.6 steps back

  1. Who the hell does that woman think she is?! What an ass!!!!!!!!!!!! God that makes me mad, Sista!

    I know you “seemed” to gain the weight back, but it will even out once your period is over. I know when that sort of thing happened to me when I was dieting, it totally demoralized me. Keep at it, my dear. I know YOU will win this battle!

    Sorry to have been so absent recently. We have been busy getting our residency visas and making arrangements to have our container shipped. Sara has to go back to Kentucky next week to redo some packing and supervise the loading. Plus, I’m working hard on my memoir. Have joined a writing group here that is helping me SO much! Great writing, brilliant help editing!

    Hugs from Ecuador,

    • So glad to hear you joined a writer’s group! Mine always gives me just what I need to keep going. Keep it up, Sista!………Wasn’t that lady something else? I just can’t bring myself to be rude to old people so I didn’t say anything. If she had been younger, well, I’m afraid my sarcastic side would have surfaced. We’ll see what next week brings. I don’t hold much hope for it because my Jimmy turns 13 this weekend. Party food will surround me. Ugh!

  2. Megan says:

    What a rude woman, I would have told her its also not healthy to make people want to smack you. I definitely know how it is with the weight battle… I hope things get better!

    • Thanks so much! I’m shocked almost daily at how comfortable people feel judging people who are overweight. They forget that under all that excess fat is a person that still hurts when remarks cut.

  3. Are you kidding me? What a witch! OMG, that is seriously crossing the line. Tell me what Drug Mart, and I’ll send Wonderbutt after her.

    • Wonderbutt is my savior! Those orthopedic shoes go down quite easily, I’m told. lol………I was stunned that she was so forward, but, alas, I can’t even be the slightest bit mean to old people. If they were being like that to my kids, I could.

  4. Just console yourself that, when your period passes, all that water weight will also get pissed away. Courage!

    • I so hope to piss away the weight. Sometimes the inflammation lingers for awhile causing widespread pain in my joints and intestinal issues. I think I need to focus more on what I’m doing than the actual number of pounds.

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