Okay, apologies are in order. I’ve been away for some time now. Some of it is because of the end of the summer mania of back to school
madness and an impromptu vacation to Great Wolf Lodge. And, if I’m being honest, I just didn’t have it in me to write about the one thing I’ve struggled with all summer. While I’m not on a plateau, I AM gaining and losing the same 2.6 pounds over and over again. Frustrating.
I did one amazing thing this week. I made it to my Weight Watchers meeting. In the past month I’ve made it to exactly one weigh in and zero meetings. Today I told myself come Hell or high water my butt would be in that seat at 7 p.m.
Then my oldest son told me, “Oh, hey, Open House is tonight.” Sigh. My world revolves around two sons, and mom usually takes a back seat. I decided I was going to pull off a miracle. I would make it to both things.
And make it I did. I scrambled my butt from classroom to classroom, shook hands, made nice and scooted out JUST in time to get to my meeting. I’m an early attender, I HATE being late, but today I sucked up my tardiness.
I’m glad I did. I’ve said this a million times but it’s worth repeating: There is nothing as important as attending the meeting. It is such an inspiring place to be. There are three women in my meeting that I admire and really cling to their weight loss when I feel discouraged. I’m too shy to make friends–I am a chronic loner–so I don’t know their names. Front Row Lady, Second Row Lady and Last Row Lady have each lost over one hundred pounds each on their weight loss journey. When I think about the amount I’d like to lose it gets so overwhelming, but my Row Ladies are living testaments to the fact that it CAN be done.
My leader, Lynn (totally awesome lady herself), was talking this evening about what brought us in to the meeting tonight. Just the thought of it made me cry (thank goodness I sit in the back and no one saw me weeping–I’m such a sap) because there are so many emotions tied to my weight loss.
I want to be thin.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be around when my kids are older.
I want to feel feminine again.
I want to fit places again.
I want to be unnoticed again.
ON BEING THIN: I had a mother who constantly reminded me of how fat I was. I was convinced that I was an overweight teen. When I got my first teaching job when I was 28, a few years after Jimmy was born and during my second pregnancy with Tony, I was already shockingly overweight. My friend gave me a picture from our yearbook and it floored me. There, in black and white, was my sixteen year old self. And I was THIN.
I said to her, “Renee, I was so thin.”
She said, “Thin? You were TINY.”
Who knew? Obviously not me.
ON BEING HEALTHY: Healthy has never been a word I’d use to describe myself. I have health issues out the wahzoo, but some of those issues SHOULD go away when the weight disappears.
ON BEING AROUND FOR MY KIDS: Nothing scares me more than leaving this place before my boys are grown. Granted, they’re getting to that age where Mom is chopped liver, Dad is sometimes king, and parents are almost always too uncool. I just want to be there to see them at least spread their wings. Because I have PCOS, I am at an increased risk for heart disease, diabetes and stroke. My grandmother died at the age of 44 from a stroke. I’m almost 40 and I’m scared.
ON FEELING FEMININE AGAIN: Nothing says unsexy to me more than my reflection in the mirror. Jim insists I’m wrong, but it doesn’t help. I want to maybe look at myself one day and see a woman who might be pretty, who might be attractive. Right now, I don’t feel any of those things.
ON FITTING IN: Booths. I hate them. They are uncomfortable because of my size, length and width. When I was thinner, I would sit cross legged in them. Now that I’m no longer thin, I feel crammed into the space and my short little troll legs dangle uncomfortably and fall asleep.
ON BEING UNNOTICED: I feel all eyes on me when I walk into a room. I feel it at Open House when other parents make a WIDE walk way for me to pass, when the teens in the school stare and their eyes slowly scan my entire body, or when little kids at my niece’s school say “Your aunt is SO FAT.” To blend into the wallpaper would be so nice.
The good thing is that I’ve already made strides toward making these “wants” into “haves.”
This week I maintained my weight. That has never happened before. After weeks of yo-yo weight loss it was nice to see a big fat zero on my sticker.
Today I wore my Grateful Dead t-shirt to my meeting. My friend bought it for my birthday way back in January and it was too small.
That’s a win if ever I’ve had one.